Genesis 19:1 - 19:29.
In the evening, two angels come to Sodom.
Lot is sitting in the gate.
Lot sees them and jumps up and greets them and bows his face into the ground.
Lot invites them to stay over and wash their feet at his place but they’ll have to be up and out of the house early.
The angels decline, saying they’ll stay in the street all night.
Lot does not take no for an answer.
The angels follow Lot into his house where he makes them a feast of uneven bread.
The angels eat.
Before the angels can fall asleep, all the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, surround the house.
The men ask Lot where those two fellows went and could you bring them out so that we may know them.
Lot goes outside and says, “Hush! Put away thine gay boners! For I have two virgin daughters whom I shalteth bring out for thee to do with as thou findest good if you wilt act unlike my bread and leaven the two men alone for they came to stay under my shadow!”
The men say, “Stand back!” Nobody says, “Jinx!”
The men say that some guy was temporarily staying in Sodom and he’s a judge or something.
The men say they’ll deal worse with Lot than with the two men and rush the door!
The angels pull Lot into the house and shut the door.
The angels cast Cause Blindness on all the men near the door so that they tired themselves out trying to find the door.
The angels tell Lot to gather up all of his stuff and his daughters and sons and sons-in-law (or son-in-laws) because the angels are going to destroy the city.
The city will be destroyed because the cry of the people is waxing the face of the Lord and the Lord sent the angels to destroy it.
Lot tells his sons-in-law that God is going to destroy the city but they don’t believe him.
The morning arose and the angels woke Lot and said, “Why are you still here? You and your family need to get going or die in our great punishment on the city!”
The angels grab Lot’s hand and Lot’s wife’s hand and Lot’s Wife’s Daughters’ hands and lifts them out of the city.
The angels tell Lot, “Leave the plains, escape to the mountains and don’t look back lest ye be consumed!”
Lot says, “Oh no, I don’t think so! Look, it’s obvious that you’re saving me because I’ve found grace in your sight and you’re very merciful, so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going all the way to the mountains. See that little city not so far off over there? Is it not so little? Just a wee thing. That’s where we’ll be if you’ll let me live.”
The angel says, “Okay, okay. Get over there and I won’t destroy that city. And hurry up because I can’t destroy everything until you’re there.”
The name of the city was Zoar which means ‘little’.
Lot enters Zoar during the day.
God rains brimstone and fire down upon Sodom and Gomorrah.
The Lord overthrows all the cities on the plain and all the plain and all the things on the plain. Except for Zoar, probably.
Lot’s (or God’s) wife looks back and turns into a pillar of salt. This part seems out of order. It should probably happen before Lot enters Zoar. Maybe it’ll be fixed in the next edition.
Abraham gat up early.
Abraham looked down upon the destruction covering the plain.
God remembers Abraham’s word problem that was just Abraham’s way of trying to save Lot which God recognized (being God!) and, thusly, saved Lot for Abraham’s sake.
Question God and Religion!
Are the two angels who enter Sodom two of the visitors that recently ate at Abraham’s place? If so, what happened to the third visitor? Did he visit Gomorrah looking for righteous people? Is he the judge that the rioters speak of when they confront Abraham? Did he get Sodomized? Did he get Gomorrahed?
Did Lot recognize them as Angels whereas Abraham didn’t? Or is it just the narrator referring to them as Angels and Lot just saw them as strangers?
Why is Lot hanging out in the gate? Is he trying to protect people from the wickedness of Sodom? Why is he still living there with his family? Lot knows what is going to happen to the stranger’s butts if he doesn’t get them inside his house for the night. Is that why he also tells them they must leave early in the morning? So they don’t get waylaid? Hee hee.
Do you think Sodom would have eventually put theme parks in all the brothels to try to make it more kid friendly?
Why do the angels refuse to go with Lot at first? Are they being polite? Maybe they want to witness the wickedness in the streets? Maybe it’s another test? Maybe they really want to take part in the wickedness?
Why is everyone always being tested? Maybe they aren’t! Maybe I just don’t know what’s going on!
How did all the men of Sodom know that fresh meat had entered into Lot’s house? When they tell Lot to “bring them out unto us, that we may know them”, are they using the word ‘know’ how I think they’re using the word? That’s going to be a pretty big gang bang!
Why did Sodom get a cool term named after it but Gomorrah didn’t? What would it mean to have Gomorrahy? Or be Gomorrahed? Who would you label a Gomorrahite?
Lot seems to use the term ‘wicked’ to reference gay sex since he offers up his daughters to rape as a reasonable alternative to raping the male visitors. Maybe that’s just me being influenced by that jerk Fred Phelps! Perhaps it’s just common courtesy to not let your guests be raped by the town folk and to give up your daughters (who really need to get laid pretty badly, as you’ll see in the next part) instead?
If Lot had sent his daughters out, would I have had to have read the horrible events of the next part?
Lot says his daughters have never known a man. But later, it says Lot’s daughters are married. How frustrated must Lot’s son-in-laws be? Are Lot’s daughters just their beards? I bet that’s why they don’t go with Lot! It must be the daughters who are frustrated since they married some Sodomites. No wonder they do what they do later! You’ll find out what that is pretty soon! Hold on to your horses, buddy!
How many righteous men do you know that would throw their daughters to the rapists? I can only think of three.
What are the rioters talking about when they mention the sojourning fellow who needs be judge? No matter how many times I read this, it doesn’t make any sense. Unless they’re talking about Lot himself judging them for being gay rapists. But why would they refer to Lot as sojourning there? Doesn’t he live there with his family? Is that how they refer to people who aren’t native to Sodom? Like jerks from Oregon who are prejudiced against Californians who move up there to live?
They probably are talking about Lot because they get really angry at Lot and say they’re going to do unspeakabler acts upon Lot for judging their sexual appetites than the just unspeakable acts they were going to do to the fresh fish Lot is protecting. Don’t you think? What could be worse than anal rape?
What Level Clerics must the angels be to be able to cast Cause Blindness on so many men at once? And how could those blind men not open a door just because they were blind? The passage says they wearied themselves trying to find the door that they were just trying to bust down. I’m pretty sure that if I suddenly went blind while banging on a door, I wouldn’t suddenly not know where the door was. Sodomites are stupid.
How long would it take you to get out of the city if two angels told you they were going to destroy it? Would you leisurely wait until the next day? Would you lollygag and pussyfoot? Lot lingers so long that the angels finally physically remove him and his family from the city. Do you imagine they picked them up and flew them out? Or did they just grab them by the hand and march them out of the city in a huff?
If your father-in-law came to you and said two angels were going to destroy the city and you must leave with him, would you go? Or would you be like the sons-in-laws in this Chapter and call the old man crazy? If he was the father of that girl who wouldn’t have sex with me even after I married her, I know I wouldn’t listen to him at all! Also, if I were gay like these sons-in-laws probably are, I’d choose not to leave San Francisco, I mean, Sodom either.
When the angels tell Lot to escape to the mountains, does he ask them if they might possibly allow him to escape to somewhere closer? No! He tells them, “OH NO! Absolutely not! I’m not going way out there where I might die!” And then he basically tells them he has the upper hand since he knows they’re merciful and that he’s won grace in their sight and they won’t begin destroying anything until he’s somewhere safe, preferably very close by and not in a cave. A nice inn, maybe.
How uppity can the followers of the Lord be? I keep thinking that at some point, God is going to pick someone who knows how to follow orders and believe the things he says. Dr. Drew would say God’s picker is broken. He always has to go for the bad boys with a ton of free will. No wonder people like this religion. God expects his followers to be stubborn, selfish jerks. Oh! Just like Him! No wonder Jesus ran away from God before he was even born!
Who are the people living in Zoar? Are they completely wicked too since their city would also have been destroyed if Lot hadn’t decided to seek shelter there? I guess since it was a little city, the ratio of righteous people (Lot) to the wicked (everyone in Zoar) was close enough to the 10 righteous people in all of Sodom paradigm that God and Abraham had established earlier.
Why does Lot’s wife turn into a pillar of salt? Why not pepper? I know the angels warned them not to look back but why not? What’s the lesson here? Listen to angels or else? Are people not to look upon God’s destruction? Was her sin longing to go back to Sodom? Is this just another punishment given out for no reason? I think Lot’s wife was wicked in some way I can’t put my finger on. Perhaps she was a voyeur?
What do you think Abraham was thinking when he woke up to gaze upon the destruction in the plains below? Do you think he was kicking himself for not going lower than 10 righteous people? Was he worried about Lot? Did he glory in God’s work? Do you think he should have turned into a pillar of salt too?
FAITH vs SCIENCE
In The Bible, to know something is to have anal sex with it. Or normal sex. Or oral sex too, probably. So having a lot of knowledge means you’re a sex maniac like The Fonz. Which is pretty cool! When The Bible wants to mention that someone is smart, they usually say they’re full of wisdom instead of full of knowledge or else you won’t know if they’re smart or sexy.
Science is the pursuit of knowledge. It sounds like Science is Porky’s! At least that might be what you’re thinking if you’re into religion and you hear about science. You’d probably shout, “I’m going to major in Science!” and think about all the tails you’re going to score on. And all of the people in church would warn you away from learning science although it wouldn’t be because they also thought you were going to score a lot outside of marriage; it would be because they would be worried you would disprove religion and become an infidel after learning about the Origins of Species. Also, the Origin of Species is not a sex book like you might think if you thought Science was about the pursuit of Biblical Knowledge because you missed my explanation earlier about how it isn’t. Oh, I didn’t put that in yet? Um, the knowledge that science is pursuing is facts and not sex!
Who wants to learn stuff when you can do stuff? Those who can’t teach; those who can, do it! Wink wink! After all, knowledge is power! Unless you’re a character in The Bible and then knowledge is sexual intercourse.
The most popular way to refer to having sex is the phrase ‘do it’. Everybody knows what it means even when it is supposed to mean something else. It always sounds dirty!
I once saw a headstone in a graveyard in Portland, Oregon that said of the grave’s occupant, “He’s with the angles now.”
Porky from the movie Porky’s gets totally screwed. All he does is teach some underage kids a lesson by kicking them out of his club which they shouldn’t have been in anyway! And then they destroy his whole club (which is really a barn) and his penis car with the help of the police who shoot up his car with a shotgun and threaten his life! Those people are stupid! If the kids wanted revenge for just being dumped in some water, what kind of revenge do they think Porky is going to want? The subtitle of Porky’s II should have been ‘The Bloodbath’ and all of those kids should have been murdered by Porky’s goons.
The Darwin Award is given out to stupid people who die in stupid ways. But shouldn’t it be given out to people who cheat death in extraordinary circumstances? The non-flying animal with partial wings that falls out of a tree and dies doesn’t die because he was stupid! But the other non-flying animal that falls the same height and survives does so because his partial wings were better equipped for the job. He should get an award since he’s doing the work of Darwin, not the dead one!
People like to laugh at stupid people dying. That’s creepy! Until you read the accounts of Darwin Award winners. Then they seem like jokes and it’s okay to laugh at someone doing something stupid when their death is a punch line.
To Gomarrahize someone, you have to stick your CENSORED into their CENSORED while CENSORING their CENSORED with your CENSORED finger. Try to use non-sugared CENSORED while CENSORING the CENSORED button.
To Sodomize someone, you just poker them in the rear while liquoring them up front. Or do those things separately, probably.
Pickle Boy nicknamed his penis Commander Zoar!
Do you think this Verse is or isn’t Biblical proof that God is against
homosexuality? Lot says exactly why he doesn’t want the men of the village
to have sex with his guests. It is because they’re his guests and under his
protection, not because they’re men. Besides, they just want to know the
guy! I think that would stand up in court as just wanting to exchange
B. List at least twenty other double entendres like ‘know’ and ‘it’ and ‘exchange pleasantries’.
C. Describe how disappointed you were the first time you saw Porky’s. What other movies around the same time had better and/or more nude scenes?
Draw the scene outside of Lot’s house when it was surrounded. No cheating using photos of Mardi Gras.
WHAT DID CHRISTIAN LITERALISTS LEARN?
The only way to stop gay sex
is to tempt men with your virgin daughters. And if that doesn’t work, you have
to make them go blind.
KNOW THY ENEMY
If you’re going to proclaim that God Hates Somebody, you probably should have really good proof from God first. This Chapter leaves a lot of questions so when somebody asks you how you know God Hates Homosexuals, I wouldn’t recommend pointing to this Chapter. Especially since God seems to love men who are willing to throw their daughters to the horny wolves. Plus God turns an innocent woman to salt simply because she looked over her shoulder. So if somebody claims you’re a big Homophone, you’d better find a better passage in The Bible that defends your bigotry because this one has about two dozen holes in it.